For many of us, the holiday season focuses on giving. It is also a time to consider whether or not we are receptive to receiving from others. Being a “giver” and a “receiver” in relationships with others and the world helps each of us shape the meaning in our lives.
Of the value of giving and receiving is especially important in responding to older adults. One of the challenges that older adults face is learning to receive with grace. That requires an acknowledgement of needs and vulnerabilities. Being able to receive with grace nurtures a sense of mutuality, an essential ingredient in all healthy relationships.
Adult children and relatives are at times frustrated by an elder's rejection of the help they want to give. Reflections on why giving is often easier than receiving can offer insights on why an elder may find it difficult to accept assistance.
An unspoken expression of power is inherent in gestures of giving and receiving. An inclination to give may be as much a statement of one’s stature, accomplishments and capabilities as it is an expression of generosity. Even when offered with love and concern, help may be resisted because the older adult isn’t ready to acknowledge the losses in ability that make help necessary. An understanding of the exchange of power in giving and receiving can help provide a sensitive environment in which the power is shared.
You can help an elder accept help by first acknowledging the loss that the needed assistance represents. Allow time for denial and grief before coming to the “rescue” with a ready answer.
Communicate, through an open discussion of concerns, the intent to do things “with” rather than “for” the individual. Explore and offer choices – rarely is there only one “right” choice. Don’t expect the recipient to feel good about making the choice. A person can learn to accept help, and at the same time be sad about the need for it.
While it is important to help an elder accept help with grace, it is equally important to provide ample opportunities and challenges for an older adult to give to others. The capacity to offer and share something with others gives a person a sense of well-being and potency – a “reason to rise in the morning.”
Many older adults are afraid of being a burden on others. That fear can be eased when reciprocity is realized. An elder can offer invaluable perspective and insight. You can encourage mutuality with gentle encouragement, such as, “I miss hearing from you” or “what do you think about it. . . .”
When we nurture giving and receiving in the older adults we love, we gain a richer understanding of our own capacities and our needs to give and receive.
Credit: ElderCare Solutions newsletter, Fall/Winter 2002
The holiday season is upon us and once again the stores and catalogues are brimming with gift items. The impulse to buy things for an elderly person is well prompted. Yet, often the most meaningful, desirable gift is not something you buy, but is one of time and attention.
Most older people live in homes brimming with “stuff.” They truly don’t need another thing. Health conditions may preclude giving candy or food treats. What many elderly desire more than anything else is pleasant company, the opportunity to talk to, laugh with and be touched lovingly by another. Simply visiting and sharing a cup of tea may be what an elder person wants most.
ElderCare Solutions suggests you consider sharing with an elder activities that elicit a joyful reminiscence, revisit hobbies abandoned or fill a void. Considering such a gift is likely to remind you of an elder’s neglected or forgotten talents. It may rekindle, perhaps only for a brief joyful interaction, those skills in an elder. In short, sharing activities will bring you back in touch with the person your elder is.
Think of a gift that stimulates neglected senses. Arthritic hands or poor vision may interfere with an elder’s ability to fully participate in an activity, but activating the senses may recall wonderful memories. An elder who is unable to accomplish many things alone may be able to do so with the support of another.
To assist and encourage you, ElderCare Solutions offers the following ideas to incorporate in a visit:
- Repot plants or create a small indoor garden.
- Make an album with old photos.
- With an easy-to-use camera, take photos of the wintry outdoors.
- Bring a tape of holiday music and sing a few songs together.
- Look at family movies or slides.
- Prepare a lunch together or bake bread for neighbors.
- Give a manicure, or a hand or foot massage.
- Watch a video together.
- Read a poem or short story.
Adapt the suggestions for older persons who are able to easily leave home. Take an elder who relishes plants to the botanical gardens. Go to a movie with a film buff. Take photos on a walk through the neighborhood. Go out to an ethnic restaurant of choice.
This year, give the gift of time. During a time of life when loss looms large, you may give life to a new, rich, holiday tradition. Who knows, you may decide that people of all ages relish this gift.
Credit: ElderCare Solutions newsletter, Fall/Winter 1999
For many of us, the holiday season focuses on giving. It is also a time to consider whether or not we are receptive to receiving from others. Being a “giver” and a “receiver” in relationships with others and the world helps each of us shape the meaning in our lives.
of the value of giving and receiving is especially important in responding to older adults. One of the challenges that older adults face is learning to receive with grace. That requires an acknowledgement of needs and vulnerabilities. Being able to receive with grace nurtures a sense of mutuality, an essential ingredient in all healthy relationships.
Adult children and relatives are at times frustrated by an elder's rejection of the help they want to give. Reflections on why giving is often easier than receiving can offer insights on why an elder may find it difficult to accept assistance.
An unspoken expression of power is inherent in gestures of giving and receiving. An inclination to give may be as much a statement of one’s stature, accomplishments and capabilities as it is an expression of generosity. Even when offered with love and concern, help may be resisted because the older adult isn’t ready to acknowledge the losses in ability that make help necessary. An understanding of the exchange of power in giving and receiving can help provide a sensitive environment in which the power is shared.
You can help an elder accept help by first acknowledging the loss that the needed assistance represents. Allow time for denial and grief before coming to the “rescue” with a ready answer.
Communicate, through an open discussion of concerns, the intent to do things “with” rather than “for” the individual. Explore and offer choices – rarely is there only one “right” choice. Don’t expect the recipient to feel good about making the choice. A person can learn to accept help, and at the same time be sad about the need for it.
While it is important to help an elder accept help with grace, it is equally important to provide ample opportunities and challenges for an older adult to give to others. The capacity to offer and share something with others gives a person a sense of well-being and potency – a “reason to rise in the morning.”
Many older adults are afraid of being a burden on others. That fear can be eased when reciprocity is realized. An elder can offer invaluable perspective and insight. You can encourage mutuality with gentle encouragement, such as, “I miss hearing from you” or “what do you think about it. . . .”
When we nurture giving and receiving in the older adults we love, we gain a richer understanding of our own capacities and our needs to give and receive.
Credit: ElderCare Solutions newsletter, Fall/Winter 2002
The holiday season
is upon us and once again the stores and catalogues are brimming with gift
items. The impulse to buy things for an elderly person is well prompted.
Yet, often the most meaningful, desirable gift is not something you buy,
but is one of time and attention.
Most older people
live in homes brimming with “stuff.” They truly don’t
need another thing. Health conditions may preclude giving candy or food
treats. What many elderly desire more than anything else is pleasant company,
the opportunity to talk to, laugh with and be touched lovingly by another.
Simply visiting and sharing a cup of tea may be what an elder person wants
most.
ElderCare Solutions
suggests you consider sharing with an elder activities that elicit a joyful
reminiscence, revisit hobbies abandoned or fill a void. Considering such
a gift is likely to remind you of an elder’s neglected or forgotten
talents. It may rekindle, perhaps only for a brief joyful interaction,
those skills in an elder. In short, sharing activities will bring you
back in touch with the person your elder is. Think of a gift that
stimulates neglected senses. Arthritic hands or poor vision may interfere
with an elder’s ability to fully participate in an activity, but
activating the senses may recall wonderful memories. An elder who is unable
to accomplish many things alone may be able to do so with the support
of another. To assist and encourage
you, ElderCare Solutions offers the following ideas to incorporate in
a visit: Adapt the suggestions
for older persons who are able to easily leave home. Take an elder who relishes
plants to the botanical gardens. Go to a movie with a film buff. Take photos
on a walk through the neighborhood. Go out to an ethnic restaurant of choice. This year, give the
gift of time. During a time of life when loss looms large, you may give
life to a new, rich, holiday tradition. Who knows, you may decide that people
of all ages relish this gift. Credit: ElderCare Solutions
newsletter, Fall/Winter 1999